muses

It just came like a smack in the face: I’ve thought too highly of myself. Somehow, the Lord has led me to see that I am not who I’ve seen myself to be. If I am, I won’t be still struggling with myself when younger Christians are serving the Lord fervently, allowing the strength and glory of the Lord to be seen in them. If I am, I won’t be so self-centred, forgoing the opportunities to bring others closer to Christ. If I am, I won’t be so conscious of the opinions of others, choosing to keep silent rather than testify of the glory of God.

I mourned the lost years that I could have live a more fulfilling life for Christ yet didn’t. I prayed ‘if only I had…’ but I couldn’t bring myself to continue. I hate it when people say ‘if only’. Anyone with the gift of hindsight, as we all have, can say ‘if only’. But then so what? It doesn’t change anything.

Yet regret can only go so far. Now what? Do I continue to live more years of regret, or do I just let go and let God? I can’t bring myself to answer right now, but I have hope that He isn’t done with me yet…

“Say to them, ‘As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live. Turn! Turn from your evil ways! Why will you die, O house of Israel’” Ezekiel 33:11

I’ve once heard someone said that the God of the OT is a God of wrath and judgement, the NT God a God of mercy. It didn’t make sense to me then, as I know that God is a consistent God, irrespective of OT or NT. Even through the prophet Ezekiel, God announced His heartbeat: He wants His people to repent and live, not to continue in their evil ways and hence die. And even as God demonstrates His love to us, that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us, almost every NT book mentioned the second coming of Christ and the consequent judgement of man. He is faithful and unchanging.

Sometimes it’s very clear where your heart is, what you have set your affections on – the Korean drama that you forego hours of sleep to finish, that first person whom you call when you are diagnosed with an ailment, the newest album which you fritter that meagre allowance on – it’s all very plain.

When we went through thesecond half issue of ‘I’m a stranger on earth’, it was also very plain to me that I can’t hold dual citizenship. I can’t have the best of both worlds, to say that I’m a stranger on earth who’s bound for heaven, but have lingering affections on the things of the world. Neither can there be the inconsistency of having the motives and values of a stranger-on-earth in my career, yet treasure the attitudes of a citizen of earth when handling relationships. It cannot be that way. The author of the book of first Peter called his audience ‘strangers’ many times in the first two chapters, urging them to live as people set apart. To be set apart is to be distinct; it is not to be different for the sake of being different. Am I willing to be distinct for Christ’s sake?

Hmmm… I think I have an idea why I kept having these migraines on the right side of my head. I’m a right hand-er, and I rely heavily upon it to do many things, including handling the mouse, writing, etc. Problem is that I think my right shoulder muscles get very tight because of these activities (those who tried to give me shoulder massages can attest to that), and as a result, they affect the muscles leading up to the right side of my head as well. I’m wondering if I should get a shoulder massager for this…

Anyway, today I brought my mum to the Mid Autumn event at St Andrew’s Cathedral where Dongfang Billy was a guest speaker. I must say that his testimony was one of the most honest and soul-bearing that I have heard, and there were times that I was almost moved to tears. He revealed his rebellious and shameful past, the bitterness that he bore against those who were the closest to him, and the tribulations that he suffered painfully. And with the sharing of his past, the transformation that he experienced through faith in Jesus accented the reality of God in his life.

I don’t want to be his advocate, but I think there are many who have prejudice
against him and judge him too quickly to even want to hear his story or know
him personally. My father is one of them. But he used his life to point others
to Christ. I wonder if someone would ever say that my life has pointed them to
Christ…