muses

… but I just needed an outlet. But I made it a point to tell my frustrations to God before I typed this. And be careful: God speaks to you when you earnestly seek to communicate with Him.

Anyway, I was just exasperated by the numerous things that didn’t go my way. Why do I always have to give way to other people? Like, change my schedule so that others can keep theirs? Why do I say so many ‘yes’ to others, but ‘no’ to myself? I wish that I could say more nos to people and more yes to myself, but I know that it would only do me harm. I would probably end up to be the egocentric, self-absorbed, narcissistic human being who I don’t want to be (like the apathetic commuters that I witnessed in the MRT train today. I can swear that this seated lady was looking at this standing pregnant lady right in her swollen belly without flinching a muscle. Pathetic.) But when I prayed, my Abba Father only reminded me of the grace that I received this day from a sister. And that favour came because she chose to say no to her own interest while putting mine before hers.

*Sigh* Why am I not thinking more like Christ in this aspect? Right now, Philippians 2 is just stuck in my head - Humility. Consider others better than me. Look to others’ interest. Do everything without complaining or arguing.

Die, Yingzhi. Die.

This is a deviation from my natural self: I’m usually not so egomaniac. But since I was there to capture the memories, I was in lots of pictures.

I’m just taking time to blog this entry as I wait for friends for dinner at MacDonald’s. Think I would be able to share about this night in another entry, but now I just want to share some other things. I’ve had a fruitful time immersing in the word of God the past weekend, first at Adult Fellowship, then Sunday Sermon and Baptism Class. Like the mirror imagery used in James Ch 1, the word of God showed me who I am.

The topic of the Adult Fellowship last Saturday was the Sufficiency and Authority of God’s word for us today, and the speaker used a very unusual passage to illustrate his points, i.e. Matt 19:3-12, on the issue of divorce. The Pharisees tried to rationalise the problem by asking if divorce is permissible and why it is granted when Jesus pointed out to them the significance of marriage in the first place. Through their questions they showed that as much as they were teachers of the Law, they didn’t understand the heartbeat of God behind the institution of marriage. His disciples wanted to escape from the world by exclaiming that it is better not to marry, overlooking the good of the institution and the fact that it’s God’s grace in giving individuals the gift of singlehood or the gift of marriage.

Two truths were taught through these two wrong perspectives: 1. God does not change with the times, and 2. The Christian life is the life that bears witness to Christ. The first truth implies that we must learn to see the relevance of God’s truth despite the changing times. His truth cannot be adjusted to fit the trends and movements of the world; rather we have to know the heartbeat of God, growing in knowledge of Him to help us to know better how to trust and obey. The speaker quoted Ravi Zacharias on the absoluteness of truth, that some things in this world must remain absolute for us to know what needs to change and what need not be changed. An example is of a driver stopping at a red light. Even after stepping on the brakes, the driver may perceive that the vehicle is moving when other adjacent vehicles seemed to be moving still. He can step on the brakes once again to ensure that his vehicle has really stopped. If the same perception of other vehicles moving persists, the driver can do one thing: to fix his focus on a stationary object, e.g. lamp post, and confirm that his vehicle is not moving in relation to the position of the lamp post. God is like that stationary post; God is the constancy whom we can relate to. He and His truth is absolute and unchanging.

The second truth implies that Christians must live God’s word in this world. Though we may think of severing ties with the world to escape the corruption, we are still called to be in the world but not of the world (John 17:16). We are involved in the world, yet we must still be distinct. Only then can we bear testimony of the reality of Christ’s love and power. John 17:17 says, ‘Sanctify them by the truth; Your word is truth’. There is no magic formula to being holy; God’s word can keep us holy.

I was challenged to know God beyond the mere cognitive understanding of His word. In fact, one of most memorable quotes of AW Tozer that I remember is, ‘The devil is a better theologian than any of us and yet is a devil still.’ I must know God personally than intellectually; otherwise my nature would still be untransformed. And the second truth made me realised that perhaps sometimes I was just trying to find the secret formula to holiness in reading lots of articles and books when God’s word is clear in what I need to and must do. That is why His word is sufficient for us and must authorise the way that we live in this world.

Spent some time looking through the first baptism class notes on conversion last week, and I realised that my perception of repentance might not be entirely right, which perhaps it has affected my repentance toward God as well…

‘Strong emotional experience of grief is not an essential part of New Testament concept of repentance’. This is one of the points under the part on repentance from that lesson. There were times after sinning when I just wondered why there was that lack of emotional sorrow within me as much as I knew that I’ve sinned and needed to confess to God and obtain His forgiveness. ‘Am I sorry for what I’ve done? Why don’t I feel sorrow?’ I guessed my idea of repentance was mainly based on what was expressed by David in Ps 51. Yes, this is my favourite psalm and there were times that I asked God to break me so that I can feel contriteness. Shouldn’t I feel broken for my sins?

But after the time of reflection after the lesson, I realised that perhaps my focus was too much on the feelings of grief and sorrow than on the steps of turning away from my sins. I’m not saying that it’s wrong to feel sorry for our sins; in fact, 2 Cor. 7:10 says, ‘Godly sorrow brings repentance that lead to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.’ It’s just that I thought I should feel sorrow for my sins before deciding that my will to repent is genuine, after which then I would work out my repentance. Hence, my repentance was more driven by emotions than sheer conviction by the word of God.  And with this new understanding of my psyche, I know that I need to replace my wrong perception of repentance with what is of His…

I suppose most of the people within my circle of contacts would know that there’s a MacDonald’s restaurant near Kallang MRT Station. And I suppose some of you might have heard that there are tearing down those blocks of flats there as part of the En-Block Scheme. Some of the shops have relocated to the new buildings on the opposite side of the road. But not MacDonald’s. Its last day of operations will be on 25 Sep 05 Mon (if I remembered clearly; my buddy said it’s the next day).

This place held many memories for my friends and me. We didn’t do great, astounding things at the restaurant, but it certainly provided a venue for us to just gather and bond. We were just in lower secondary level, brought together because of a common route home. We weren’t the kind who would deliberately go to the shopping malls after school, but sometimes we would just drop by at Mac to grab a drink. Even after moving on to different schools and even after graduating, we would still return there. We never really talked about reliving the memories, but I suppose the place does have significance in our hearts.

This Monday night, you will find me there for the last time, perhaps having my meal, even taking a few pictures. Hope that there will be friends to join me, to create more memories. And yes, thanks for the memories, MacDonald’s. =_ )